As a recovering alcoholic and Catholic, I thought living in the monastery would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to gain spirituality and confront my religion. I was told I needed God working in my life to stay sober, and what’s a better place to find God and Catholicism than in a monastery?    I can say now that I may not have a better understanding of God, but I did get lots of practice praying and meditating.   I think the experience deepened my personal spirituality, but I found out that I’m not going to be a practicing Catholic again.    And for sure, I won’t be a monk.

Don’t get me wrong,  I thought the monks were great guys.   They made me comfortable in my search for God.   In fact, some of them assured me they didn’t really “know” God either.   They let me know that I actually had very strong faith, because I tried to live a good life while questioning God’s existence.  

The best part of living in the monastery was the setting.    It was awesome beauty, in a remote New Mexico canyon, but very isolated.   There was no TV,  no cell phones and only limited contact with the outside world.   Once a week we could use a satellite phone and the Internet.    This was especially hard on my wife, Alicia.   We’d been married only a year and a half, and this was the longest time we’d been apart.   Actually, one of the biggest gifts I got out of the monastery experience was realizing how much my wife and I missed each other.    It hurt at first, but then I realized how lucky I was to have someone in my life I could miss so much.   I was able to write a letter to my wife every one of the 40 days I spent in the monastery.   I think of the experience as a 40-day-long love letter to her.

The part I hated most was waking up at 3 in the morning and then singing Gregorian chants all day.   It brought back my most painful memories of sitting in church as a kid.  The food was great, and I even got to learn how to make monk’s bread.   My favorite activity was taking care of the horses.   The monastery had four horses on the property, and I was given the chore of feeding them each day.    I don’t know much about horses, but I love animals and appreciated the opportunity to do an activity that didn’t involve chanting.

The other participants were great guys to meet and get to know.   Unfortunately, we never got enough time to talk.   For 40 days, we were never allowed to speak during meals. Most of our talking came during work.   We keep in touch via email, and hopefully in the future we’ll meet up again. Mostly, I can’t wait to bring my wife back to visit the monastery and meet the monks. I want her to know how beautiful it was.   I wish I could have shared the experience with her, but women aren’t allowed in the cloister.

If you were to ask me how the monastery changed me, I’d say it made me more patient and able to sit with myself.    You have to sit alone a lot as a monk.   You have to meditate, and you have to pray.   That’s what monks do.   I’m not a monk.   But I was one for 40 days.   I wouldn’t do it again,  but I’ll forever cherish the experience.