Morgensa: Do you have advice for families that can't seem to get a post-college kid out of the house? My nephew is 25 years old, not working steady jobs, and still living at home. His parents are afraid of alienating him or upsetting him (he's had emotional issues in past). What advice can you give them about setting limits and helping him get over his fear of going out into the world?
Rabbi Shmuley: Necessity is the mother of invention. A 25 year old should not be supported unless they are severely incapacitated and can't support themselves. I don't believe in cutting off support suddenly, but I believe in cutting it off gradually. At 25, he is a man and expected to be independent and self-reliant. Cutting off of financial support should be accompanied by increased emotional support and inspiration. Tell him that he has a gift to contribute to the world, that G-d endowed him with a unique contribution to make that is possessed by no one else. By wasting his life, he is committing a sacrilege, not only against himself and against G-d, but against the world at large whom he is depriving of his own unique contribution. Then ask him to identify what three things he thinks he's good at. What are his unique gifts? If it's a capacity to listen and empathize, he can start working as a volunteer or with abused children or as an assistant to a social worker. Is he good with his hands? Let him apprentice himself to an electrician, plumber, or car mechanic. Finally, tell him that his happiness is dependent on his ability to be productive, because no one who lives the life of an inanimate object can take pride in themselves. So in short, cut off the support but offer emotional support instead of financial.
Brookie: I heard you say on Oprah that men are not celebrated for just being good everyday men. What are some ways we can celebrate our men in our homes?
Rabbi Shmuley: Excellent question! If you're a wife, Brookie, tell your husband that he's a hero to you because he's faithful and honorable. Praise him for being a stand up guy. Tell him how much his children look up to him and admire him, which is a far greater achievement than being a hero to the world. Make it clear to him that he inspires you because he's a gentleman, that you never wanted diamonds or riches from him, but you wanted a man you could respect. You got that, and you consider as a woman that that is life's greatest blessing. In short, make him feel that he's a human being and not a human doing.
Evan-NYC: Why did you decide to become a rabbi?
Rabbi Shmuley: Another very good question. I wasn't smart enough to be a doctor! In addition, my parents divorced when I was 8. It was a cataclysm from which I will never fully recover. There were some tragedies that cannot be whitewashed, so there is a part of me that will forever mourn the tragedy of my family. And even now at the age of 39, I still wish my parents were back together. Becoming a rabbi was for me the route to heal myself by healing others, and to live with my own darkness by trying to bring spiritual light to others.
Mom: Rabbi, my daughter has an attitude and a big mouth. What should I do?
Rabbi Shmuley: Number one, you have to draw a line in the sand and make it clear to her that notwithstanding how much you love her, there are certain forms of behavior that are unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Any kind of insolence toward the parent is intolerable, unacceptable, and you will not put up with it. Any rude behavior toward a parent will be met with an appropriate punishment. After you make it clear what you won't tolerate, after you've used the left hand of severity, use the right hand of compassion. Speak to her and inspire her as to who she wants to be. Sit with her and say to her, "I know this is not who you want to be. I know that you want to be a good person, because I know you are a good person. You don't understand that when you speak to me this way, you're not being a good person.” Don't give her a vision of what you want her to be; give her a vision of what she wants to be. Let her hear her inner voice of compassion that gives her a vision of what she wants to be in her life. All too often, we parents lecture our kids about what they want to do, like becoming a veterinarian or an astronaut. But the more important question is what do you want to be - a good person, or a bad person. A good person behaves respectfully to their parents, always.
