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Loving One Another
by Amy Roloff
Like many of the values in this book, love has many definitions and can be demonstrated in many ways. To start with, I believe it is good to learn to love yourself in a healthy, humble way. In fact, I go so far as to say that it's nearly impossible to love other people if you don't know how to love yourself.
There's an old saying that goes, "Love isn't love until you give it away." To me, that means your love has to be spoken verbally and demonstrated in the things you do. It means showing your love through words, through actions, through moments of affection. When you do those things, you remind your spouse and your children how much you love them and you give them a sense of security within the family. But how do we do that?
We start by accepting each other unconditionally and for who we are. We don't judge or condemn each other, and we don't hold on to grudges or allow our anger to divide us from each other or from our children.
When you love you spouse unconditionally and choose not to judge him or her and not to hold on to anger, you find that it's OK, even helpful at times, to have differences or arguments. That's because when the conflict is all finished, the love is still there. The same is true when it comes to how we love our kids. Like all children, ours need to be disciplined at times. But Matt and I both know how important it is, when the discipline part of being Mom and Dad is over, that we let our kids know that we still love them, think highly of them, and want the very best for them.
It's also important that our kids see that when Mom and Dad have an argument or difference of opinion about something-and no two people living under the same roof for twenty-plus years will completely avoid having those kinds of conflicts-they still love each other just as much as before and are committed to working out their differences in a healthy way.
Matt and I have learned that in our family, that love is kind of catchy. It's contagious in that when someone does something to demonstrate his or her love to another, it's only a matter of time before someone else does it too. We've found that to be especially true when it comes to displays of affection in our home.
Matt is much more open and demonstrative of his love than I am. He is more likely to express himself through touch and open displays of physical affection. I, on the other hand, like doing things for Matt to let him know that I love him and am thinking of him. For example, as Matt prepares to do away on a business trip, I like to place a card in his bag with a note telling him that I love him and look forward to his coming home. While Matt is not wired to express himself that way, he has his own ways of demonstrating his love, and they mean just as much to me as my leaving him a note or card in his bag means to him.
Matt and I know that they kids see the love we demonstrate to each other, and so our kids are all prone to expressing their love for us and for one another. They are all comfortable walking up and hugging Mom and Dad and telling us they love us.
Love is an important family value because as parents, Matt and I want our kids to never doubt that we'll always be there for them, that we'll always love them no matter how many mistakes or poor choices they make and no matter what kind of chaos they get themselves into. We want them to understand that even when we don't like the things that they are doing, they can always count on our love to see them through.
From p. 12 of LITTLE FAMILY, BIG VALUES by The Roloff Family. Copyright © 2007 by The Roloff Family. Reprinted by permission of Fireside Books, an Imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
